Things I Learned About Nursing Homes and Rehabs for the Elderly

 Life as you know it can change in two seconds.

Step the wrong way and break a bone in a foot. Fall and break a hip. Car accident. As fast as you can blink, life as you know it can change, sometimes it can feel like forever to recover. 

Recovery can go three ways: short term, long term, or never the same again - chronic.

Whether it be a nursing home where your elderly loved one will remain until they die, or a rehabilitation center to recover from their serious injury, like a broken hip, there are some things those places have in common that aren't spoken aloud or mentioned - if they are, I've been looking in the wrong places.

The commonalities I've noted in both nursing homes and rehab centers for seniors:

They are understaffed.

Staff are overworked because of it.

Third shifts have skeleton crews. If a resident is going to experience neglect, a verbally harsh caregiver or a rough caregiver, there's a good chance it'll happen then.

It is very common for residents to develop incontinence. Bodily functions wait for no one, and when there is no one to assist, or if a resident alerts a staff member and they are told they'll be back in a moment, and that moment turns into a hour, or two, the ending is the same. The resident empties into their diaper. It becomes par for the course, and they have to accept their new reality - they regress to being treated like babies - they void into a diaper.  Eventually their bodies lose the ability to control the functions. Unlike babies, there's no attentive mother or father to scoop them up as soon as it happens or noticed, and immediately take care of their needs to prevent diaper rash or other complications from sitting in their own feces for extended periods of time.  

Residents better hope they have attentive families. Why? 

Families have to provide boxes of tissues and a way of disposing of the used ones (tape a bag to the end of the table used to serve their lunches) and other basic hygiene necessities.  Put your loved one's name on EVERYTHING.

Families have to clean hair brushes of accumulated hair - if they are lucky their family member even has staff at the facility to do basic haircare.

Families need to monitor clothing - 90% of the time, their loved one's clothes will go missing, whether their name is written on them or not. Families need to commit to doing their own loved one's washing if they want it done not only right, but to make sure their loved one has clothes left to wear. Socks and underwear seem to be common casualties. 

Families need to monitor food.  Does your loved one hate coffee?  They'll usually be served it anyway. 

If the resident has gout and should stay away from beef, shellfish and other trigger foods, they'll experience increased gout pains and suffering because the facilities tend to serve food as One Size Fits All. 

Families need to monitor their loved one's food for another reason - starvation. The One Size Fits All food service also leads to residents not eating.  If they don't eat their meal, they don't get second chances. The food is thrown away and the resident has to wait for the next scheduled feeding time.  Why would the resident not eat? If your loved one despises peas, hates broccoli, is sick of mushy carrots and bland oatmeal, or is served food they never ate in regular life - they will have no appetite for it. It's quite possible that a man who enters a facility at almost 300 pounds, will drop to 267 pounds in one month.  

Families need to be prepared to bring in foods/snacks their loved one will eat to offset their lack of eating facility foods. 

If the resident suffers from Dry Eye - they'll be miserable. Being understaffed means no one pays attention and drops are hardly ever applied when they are needed most - if the discomfort is noted at all, or if the resident is even listened to. Even if they are able, residents lose their autonomy to rectify things themselves. They are 100% dependent on staff. 

Residents who are dependent on staff to put on their shoes and socks so they can do their exercises may find some staff members forgoing socks which is more than likely if the socks end up among the mysterious missing. The results are blisters from friction and those blisters may not even be noticed until they bleed and become infected.  

If families or residents have no money, they are more than likely to be treated like shit.

If the elderly resident is difficult, whether from them being hard of hearing, from mental or emotional issues, anxiety or panic attacks, are loud, opinionated or super needy, the resident is more likely to be treated like shit. 

If a rehabilitation resident is discharged on a weekend, they'll be treated like shit. No automatic support personnel or assistance to escort the patient to a family member's vehicle,  no VNA services or home care aids set up. Families can be left scrambling, trying to deal with an elderly loved one whose safety status is at risk and there's no support system in place. Especially hard when there's no money for a nursing home. And, even if there were funds available, there are no open beds in a 50 mile radius, and wait times are estimated 6-months to a year.  

After the rehabilitation center:

Be prepared - it's a parttime job to pursue all the needs of a discharged rehabilitation patient for aftercare. Support and charity agencies are overworked and overburdened with backlogs of applicants needing help and options for care are slim. Be prepared for calls not returned. 

Families need to be prepared for the rehab center to order the wrong sized bed. 

Families need to check the med list on the discharge paperwork - some medicines can accidentally be left off of the list.

Mix-ups happen.  Families can end up with a round commode instead of an oval commode ($165) and when calling to find a way to correct it, being told that the company doesn't switch out parts, you'll have to buy a whole new commode. Don't be surprised if the wrong wheelchair is delivered, that the home does not have enough care supplies for continued home recovery. Remember incontinence requires waterproof pads for the bed, chairs and in your car, and lots of adult diapers with tab closures.  A mattress protector will be needed to protect the hospital bed rental if insurance will cover it. The requirement of a ramp to even get their loved one back into their own home can cost up to $10,000, and in the case of an expedited discharge, a three day window to get it built.

Families need to be prepared for the average rate per hour for a home health aide = $35 per hour.  And the minimum commitment is six hours a day, three in the morning and three in the afternoon.  However don't be surprised if the agency pushes for an eight hour commitment.

If their family member needs 24/7 care to be safe, that requires a live-in healthcare professional. Your home will be investigated and judged by the agency as appropriate or inappropriate for a live-in option. Families need to be prepared to spend serious money to get their home up to standard to be accepted for the live-in option. Of course if your loved one does not have money, this won't be an option, and you're back to begging elder care support agencies for help. That's a part-time job too.

Those are just the highlights. 

The thing I learned about nursing homes and rehabs for the elderly: It's scary and horrifying to be old, injured, and broke. 

 

Why I Stopped Reading in the Dark

 With age comes many things like aches, pains, plenty of memories to reminisce over, changing interests and changing awareness. And, the propensity to voice opinions.

Awareness is a funny thing. A lot depends on exposure to something, either a person, an idea, a religion or an event in one's life that brings about that awareness. Sometimes it's a combination of things.

I've been a huge fan of paranormal romance for almost 25 years. In that time I have seen many a series change, growing darker and darker, pushing the envelope trying to stay 'relevant', suspenseful, interesting, exciting and dramatic.  Sex scenes became more numerous, more descriptive, again pushing the envelope into areas that used to be exclusive to the porn industry. They explored the realm of underground deviant and perverse lifestyles, basically taking their fans along for the ride. The result is that these lifestyles are now seen as acceptable because the heroes and heroines 'fall in love' in the process. It's led to readers thinking it can't be bad because it's part of the 'love process'. What is actually going on is desensitization.

Love isn't sex in all its aspects. It isn't sex at all. Nor is love a feeling; it's an action, and choices made furthering the action of loving someone - be it family, friend, potential spouse or significant other - love's actions are supposed to be for the good of another, the uplifting of another, supporting the other for their happiness. It's a mind thing as well - it's above a feeling. It's more than a feeling. Relegating love to a feeling is a disservice to its reality.

How did this awareness come about? At first, it started off as a niggle of 'suspicion'. There was this sense that what I was reading wasn't right.  I was a ginormously huge fan of Christine Feehan, as well as Laurell K. Hamilton, Katie Macalister, Sherrilyn Kenyon and Lynsay Sands, and I enjoyed books by Sandra Hill, Gena Showalter, Lauren Dane, Lori Foster, Jeaniene Frost, Harely Wylde, J.R. Ward, Tessa Dare, and Emma Holly. There's a thread that they all have in common - lust, sex, whatever you want to call it -  and over time the prevalence of showing a growing love being proved through sex.  Some included scenes more graphic than others but it accomplished the same goal.  That bedroom with a view was blown open wide and the camera angle was as close as a gynecologist gets. And yet for the longest time, I didn't see anything wrong with it. After all, it was romance.

When a reader follows a series over many years, it's a gradual development and it all seems to make sense and it's perfectly rationalized.  When the author has a blessed skillset, a true gift for their craft, a reader doesn't realize or is even aware of what is happening to their mind, their sense of morality, and the subconscious undermining or warping of the definition of a committed relationship.  All a reader knows is that the hero or heroine was saved by the love of the other. That it was 'romantic' and if there was suspense while they overcame incredible odds to reach their happily ever after - the open doorway of the bedroom was part of the exhilaration of celebration. It was the payoff. All of it, premarital.

Anyone who has read this far is probably expecting that I'm going to bring religion into the conversation. They'd be right.  The question is, how am I going to do it? And why?

The why is easy - because of my faith. Because I'm on a faith journey to mature that belief and in doing so, I've become more aware. It clarified that the initial niggles were alerts to a threat to my soul's wellbeing. The next question is, what was it that triggered the awareness?  A scene from a paranormal romance book from one of my favorite authors. It mentioned the use of powerful holy water that destroyed something completely evil.   

When I first read the story, I didn't enjoy it as much as others I have devoured in the past.  I didn't understand why, I only knew I didn't like it. Then a half year or so later, I read it again, but with new perception.  The holy water scene was devoid of what makes holy water ...well...holy. There is only one religion on this earth that is capable of blessing water to make it holy, and only one kind of person that can bless it and make it holy - a Catholic priest. It's a Catholic thing. Not only that, holy water is a sacramental. It is water blessed by a priest to impart God’s blessing on those who use it. That is where the power comes from. That scene now rings hollow because the author uses the power of something without acknowledging what makes it powerful in the first place. There will be some readers that might argue that it's just fantasy, it's fiction, that authors are allowed creative liberties and doesn't do any harm, and that readers should apply willing suspension of disbelief and advise people like me to just shut up and enjoy the story. That's a no-can-do. 

Why? Why do I have to say anything about this topic at all? Because if I don't say anything, readers who have no exposure to the idea, concept or reality of holy water will not be aware of just how truly special, powerful and important holy water is; nor of its significance. They won't understand why any author that incorporates its use in a supernatural way devalues it and actually robs it of the power they claim it has because they don't associate it with a bona fide religion. Holy water is used in exorcisms. It makes sense that the author used it to help destroy something evil.  The use of holy water in the movies I have seen correlates with Catholic priests, heirs of the apostolic Tradition. Sure, there are Protestant ministers that try exorcism but if they can't handle cases of possession, I've read that they refer them to the Catholic Church for expulsion. There's a reason for that.

Now that most of the series I followed are venturing more and more into the occult, playing around with souls, controlling nature and fighting demons, all without the actual tools that would make it plausible, without any nod to God's power but highlighting only man's, and with the addition of explicit sex scenes, those series are hell-bent on leading readers away from one or more of the ten Commandments - a list of universal moral laws that guide a healthy society. Is it intentional on the authors' parts?  I highly doubt that. Everything I've read about some of my favorite authors confirms that they're nice people who love their families and friends and who certainly care for their readers. That doesn't immute the fact that their stories' content affects readers' minds and leads them away from God. All I have to do is read some of their fans' reviews to see the truth. Heck, all I have to do is read some of my own written reviews to see I was no different.  What changed was my awareness, and I stopped reading not only Christine Feehan's Dark series, but anything dark. 

When Emma Holly started writing about an angel having sex, and pushed the envelope further by exploring an M/M relationship - that struck a nerve and I stopped reading her books. I wasn't bothered by the sex scenes for the longest time.  I thought more was better and Emma Holly delivered. But when she started using and warping a heavenly being the way she did, that was another lightbulb moment. 

When LKH wrote about a relationship with a borderline underaged character - were-animal or not - and rationalized it out, that made me uncomfortable. Add in the growing multitude of partners, justifying it all for the sake of the story and continuation of the series, reading ceased to be a joy. The initial books in the series had a solid delineation of good vs evil. That's all but gone. Supposedly Anita was a 'believer' and there's a mixture of religion in the series, like when her cross would get hot, or other references of religious power that Anita wielded when it was convenient to the storyline. That's all well and good, but again, it leads readers to contemplate, whether consciously or not, that a crucifix or holy water are equated to magical talismans, as magic on command and demand. Great for effect but does a disservice overall because the cumulative result is a loss of awareness, a desensitization to wrongness.

My favorite genre, paranormal romance, has gone to the dark side. Someone is going to think, 'but it's aways been that way, that element has always been there', and they'd be right. However, I believe that it's gotten darker over the past ten years.  Look at Christine Feehan's two latest series - the Shadow series and the Torpedo Ink series. Look at the plots. Have you read them? Yes, she's skilled and talented and a wonderful wordsmith. It's the pervasive and increasing darkness that is weaving through all of her new works that saddens me. It scares me too because no one sees or cares how some of those themes can have a negative impact on vulnerable or susceptible minds. How easy it is to get caught up in it, especially when publishers are encouraging it, too. There are way too many writers that are falling into this trap. I mention Ms. Feehan because she was my favorite for many, many years and I've spent a good chunk of change feeding my Dark addiction. 

To use a corny and overused cliche, I've seen the light. 

It wasn't an overnight or sudden enlightenment.  Nor has it been an easy change because I'm still going through it.  I continue revamping and reevaluating my keeper shelf and my reading choices.  It pains me to get rid of over 150 books, some even author-signed, with more to cull I'm sure, and realize a chapter in my life is closing. I've been on this truth-train for two years and it's been uncomfortable. It IS uncomfortable. I'm sure it will continue to be so but I believe and know it's in my best interests to persevere. 

What has helped?  Well, I'm sure you expect me to say my parish priest, and you'd be right, although there's been three of them so far.  All with different perceptions and viewpoints, and like steps on a garden path - they've helped me move forward. Then there are the books I've checked into. 

The most profound and helpful is a book written by Mother Angelica from EWTN - Mother Angelia's Answers, Not Promises. She's funny, insightful, and tackles the hard questions with wisdom and a relatability that is penetrating my hard head. It has a warm delivery like from a friend who cares, and she wants her readers to have a relationship with God - one that gets us away from hell and into Heaven. In this book she addresses questions I never thought to ask, didn't know I needed to or should. I've been so blinded by all the books I've read.  And I'm telling you, Mother Angelica is spot on when she says that ideas and concepts through books, movies and radio have lasting effects and can color how you interpret a situation through that colored lens. 

How can this be possible? 

Try this example. Years ago, at weddings, or even at parties or proms, if there were single girls who wanted to dance, they, and society, thought nothing of them dancing together.  Dancing was dancing. It was fun and you were with friends and it was a celebration of music and joy. Innocent. 

Now-fast forward to 2024. You see two girls dancing together and what is the first thing you think?  Do you label what you see?  Do you form an opinion? Do you classify and accept it as innocent like folks used to do in years gone by, or do you automatically interpret the relationship and label it?  I bet you do. Our lens isn't as simple, easy or innocent as it once was because of what we've heard, seen and read these past fifteen years or so. 

That proves to me that when a mind is fed darkness through stories or by watching dark films, the perception of what a person sees and hears can be colored by a lens that includes that information. It becomes part of the subconscious mind.  

I'm not saying that we should go back in time to the old ways. There's a lot that needed to be changed and improved.  What I am saying is that a lack of discernment on what one reads, sees or listens to has a much more profound effect than people realize. 

The question then becomes - and for which I have no answer for - how does one teach discernment to tweens and teenagers when the dark influences in society have a louder voice because they are a LOT more fun and can be found everywhere they turn?

One opinion is to steer them away from dark paranormal fiction similar in vein to the Twilight series - it's a gateway. Werewolves and were-bears, vampires, witches, mages and warlocks, tarot cards, Ouija boards, fairies and Djinn, psychics and crystal balls, all sound like they're part of a silly make-believe world, full of adventure and break-the-rules possibilities - but like icebergs, they may be 'white' and pretty on top, but that underside is dark, deep, huge and deadly. 

 My friends, isn't it time to escape the dark?