Friday, July 01, 2011


Nightmares comprise of many things: phobias, worst case scenarios, the list is endless.
A mother's nightmare is just as terrible.
I woke up yelling NO!! this morning at 5:10AM..
Is it a result of recovering from surgery?
Is it a result of a phone call I received from a school counselor?
Combination thereof?
I don't know.
What I do know is that the image was so vivid - terrifyingly so.

That I woke up to find a note on the side of my bedside table saying "I don't believe in the afterlife, but, I'm sorry."
In my nightmare, I ran downstairs to see my son hanging, the tips of his toes just barely brushing the tips of the arm rest of the chair he must have used to help hang himself.
His face was sort of puffed and red, his eyes bugging out and breath wheezing but winding down when I found him.
Oh my God... it was so REAL!
In the nightmare, I was trying to lift his weight, get it off the plastic noose he used. Screaming, "Please! Please! Breathe!  Don't Go!"

The thing is, earlier that morning, I heard him get up about 4:30AM.  I knew he was up and he closed our bedroom door.  When that happens, sounds gets muffled pretty completely.
I didn't care that I pulled my stitches and was in ;pain.
I ran down those stairs.
To find him calmly watching King of the Hill.

I shared with him my nightmare - not the details, mind you. Just that he killed himself and how it scared the shit out of me.  And I asked him, " Have you ever thought of committing suicide?"
He looked at me.
Said, "Yes."
::Deep breath::
"During the school year, but I'm fine now."

Yes, out of school. Away from pressure of peers, testing and performance expectations. It's the summer, he's home, safe and in a supportive environment.
How many kids must feel that way? How many kids find the pressures of school so bad, and, being unable to talk about it, internalize it enough to end up spiralling into a state of depression that suicide looks to be the ONLY way out?

You bet, I'll be calling the pediatrician. And having more talks with my son.
He has Aspergers - so the talking will be difficult and challenging. He's not in touch with his feeling to verbalize them. But he has them and they are just as strong and potent as a non-neurologically affected person.

Sometimes, dreams are the start of facing reality.
If we listen.
Wish us luck.


Brandy said...

Oh goodness. I can imagine your panic and fear. I don't know of any way to help other than to say I'm here if you need to talk. Massive Super Hugs.

Marianne Arkins said...

Oh sweetie!! ((((hugs))))

Michele said...

Thanks, Brandy.
Thanks, Marianne.

The panic has passed but the lesson is still there. I had to blog about it - it was too powerful a nightmare to stay bottled up inside, as you can well imagine.

Thanks for your support!