The Black Holes of Romance Books

My mind has taken a bizarre twist today. I have two sons. Boys find body humor hilarious. I think we all did as kids but as adults, we supposedly grow out of it. Yet, no matter our age, 8 - 80, when a toot occurs in an incongruous arena and takes us by surprise? We revert to the inner child and giggle, snicker or disguise our laugh with a cough. No matter what, we tap into the humor. Yes, it might be embarrassing for the tootee, but it's hard to keep a straight face sometimes.

Romance stories tend to gloss over or outright ignore the basic things we do. Sometimes, daringly so, an author will include it. If they include the scene just right, it can be hilarious. But that's the exception to the rule. For most, they simply don't exist! The black holes of romance.

1) Lovers wake up in the morning and immediately proceed to engage in passionate kissing. Some actually dare to mention 'loving his or her smell'. Really? Morning breath has fans? It's a great scene when an author can make that moment funny. There are a few books out there that address this. Most just ignore it. Personally, I find it very hard to ignore. Oral hygiene is one thing that tends to fall into a black hole.

2) It goes by many names but I'll just refer to it as 'toots'. Rare is the book that can mention it in a comic sense. There's only ONE book that comes to mind and it's The Corset Diaries by Katie MacAlister. It was the first occasion I had ever seen a toot used in hilarious context and the memory of it remains to this day. Otherwise, it's another black hole when it comes to romance stories.

3) Burps. I'm not talking about burping babies, or manly belches after consuming beer. I'm referring to scenes in a romance book where the natural result of eating or drinking fast never happens. Have you ever opened your mouth to say something and a burp bursts out? How about meeting the parents of your date at a nice restaurant and a burp makes a loud entrance? Burps happen. Often at the most innocuous of times. Yet, I don't read about it in romance book scenes. Burps all fall into a black hole.

4) Brushing teeth. There are some who do broach that subject. A few call it by name, many refer to it as 'freshening up'. But to have a his and hers teeth brushing scene? It's not really romantic, is it? So, unless it's put in there as a means to get beyond 'morning breath', it's not really put in there. IRL we all do it but since it's fantasy, heroes and heroines have perfect teeth all the time. Unless it's the book How to Marry a Millionaire Vampire by Kerrelyn Sparks. Ms. Sparks made a vampire needing a dentist, funny. Otherwise? Another black hole moment.

5) A long shower without sex. Seriously. Most of the stories I've read fall into two categories - long showers for sex, alone or with others, OR they are the fastest dang events in history. If a heroine has long hair and she takes a shower, HOW can she be 'ready in 10 or 5 minutes"? When I freshen up, it's shower, drying, teeth, and body function (you pick the order), perfuming and/or powdering - HOW can that be done in less than 10 minutes? Of course the hero looks at the heroine with appreciation and compliments her on how sexy and well put together she is. Seriously? My hair would be a limp rat down my back, I'd probably still be damp and will have toothpaste stuck to the side of my mouth. And makeup? Forget it! So, realistic bathroom procedures go down into a black hole.

6) Meals. They are always perfect. They always have the best, fresh ingredients. They are always ready in minutes, no matter how complicated they are. And what's with always making this pasta Bolognese dish? From the recipes I've checked out, it's not exactly fast and I would NOT just happen to have the ingredients on hand. That would take planning. But, in romance stories, they never plan and their omelettes never turn into scrambled eggs. Having a kitchen experience I can relate to in a romance story is nonexistent. A culinary black hole.

7) I can't think of one book that I've read in the past 5 years that even has a hero or heroine blowing their nose (without being sick), having an embarrassing nose goblin or sneezing in a realistic manner - you know the kind, it sort of echos, has moisture torpedos zooming across the room at mach speed and you feel dizzy with relief afterwards, which quickly morphs into embarrassment when you notice everyone is looking at you? Never happens in romance books. A nose's antics are definitely black hole-worthy.

I think the only author that even approaches tackling some of this black hole list in her books and makes them funny is actually Katie MacAlister. I'd be curious to know if you have found other authors who ingeniously, and perhaps even hilariously, interweaves some of this list in the course of telling their romance story. If so, please share. I'll add them to my TBR pile. It would be nice to find out the black hole in romance isn't as deep as I thought.

The Teachable Moment

One never knows when a teachable moment will appear.

Sometimes you can expect it because of the situation you are about to encounter - it's inherent in the environment.

Other times it takes you completely by surprise. Such was the case today.

I took my youngest to Best Buy to get a new router. Mine was starting to give up the ghost. We were leaving to head to another store in the mini-mall and we had to go down a short hallway that merges with the bigger, main one. In front of us was a petite person. We were maybe 15 feet away when she announces quite loudly, 'THERE YOU ARE! HOW ARE YOU??!!!!'

We turn to look behind us. There is no one there. We were the focus. Thing is, we had NO idea who this person was!

She is what I would term - mentally young/challenged or having a mental disability. With everything being PC these days, I'm not too sure how to label her. The one thing that is clear no matter the label - she was a person, she was being friendly, if exuberant, and she was extremely happy to see us.

My youngest looked at me like a panicked deer. What do we do?

What we did was to continue walking up to her. Her with her multi-colored knitted cap, bicycle helmet perched on top of it, her back pack all puffed out, in her puffy blue coat and her knitted gloves. She held out her hand to shake and I did. Same with my youngest - he followed my lead. She asked for my name. I gave it. She smiled. She turned to my son and asked the same. He gave his name and she said ,"WHOOPS!" and giggled. "I forgot about my earbuds!" She popped one out and she smiled widely and asked my son his name again, which he provided, again. She smiled another big grin and I wished her a Merry Christmas, since it's still the season, at which she smiled again. Then she announced in her delighted, upbeat way, 'I'm going to Gamestop! They have lots of wonderful games there!', and did a complete about face and jauntily walked away at a quick pace.

My son was quite perplexed by the whole thing. Freaked might be a more accurate word. I explained that she had special needs and she still was due respect and cordiality - even if it was not the normal interaction between strangers. People like her don't think too hard about the meanness in life - they're full of joy. I am never quite sure how they manage to be happier than most but they often come across that way.

My son thought about it for a bit and said "She has a rainbow mind". I liked that. I really did. I love my kids and when they come up with beautiful wisdom and insights, they teach me as much as I try to teach them. Truly a teachable moment.

An Actor Makes His Own Mark

A couple of years ago, through this very blog, I connected with an up and coming actor, Mr. Nate Golon. He's been busy since then, learning and honing his craft in his chosen career. It's a tough road but he's determined, energetic and always looking for that edge that will propel him towards his goal. I'm proud to announce and share a milestone with you. He's been hard at work and is an integral part of a new Internet series that has its debut this week. Please check out this link: WORKSHOP SERIES If you are a longstanding reader, you may remember Nate from way back when. Let me know if you spotted him because he IS in there...live, in color and with his charming and high-wattage smile totally in view. Have fun!

Thoughts of Were

I was cruising in cyberspace and came upon the coolest tidbit about Werewolves. One of the myths is for when a werewolf dies. Did you ever hear that when a Werewolf dies, it becomes a vampire? What a cool concept. Why haven't the paranormal romantic suspense writers jumped on that bandwagon? And I was thinking.... yes, yes I know, bad thing. Silver bullets were not always around. Guns have only been propelling balls of metal through the air for a couple of centuries. What was used back in ancient times? Silver didn't make for a strong sword, did it? What did they do, make silver balls and use a sling shot? I can't say that would be too effective when the weres have super speed. And lets face it, women back then did not learn hand-to-hand combat, so a silver knife would have been a joke - on the woman. And hand-to-hand anything is too close to teeth and infection. Right? Hmmm, silver barrettes? I'm going to style your fur in a killer coiffure? Naw..too silly. I cannot think of a single long range weapon that can be utilzed quickly and be made of silver that could have been applied in the ancient days. Can you? So that means, werewolves had the right of might on their side until the invention of the gun. What a culture shift that would have been! Anyone with a writing bug can see the possibilites in this, right? And yet, and yet, as the myths unfold, werewolves never gained a majority. So what held them in check? Slayers? I can't see them being too effective prior to long range weaponry. I think I would enjoy others' take on this. Sure, it's a fanciful and unrealistic topic. Then again, some of the best and well loved tales and movies of the past deal with vampires and things that go bump in the night. What I would like to know, what bumped them right back?? Care to share your thoughts? LOL

I'm published! Oh my!

Tee hee.
Talk about a Good Morning wake-up call for me!

Quick! Jog over to LASR's website for a free treat.
My short (short) story!!

What's in a Name?

I'd love to know what you think.

Paranormal musings-please comment!!!!

It's always a treat to feel like one has discovered something new all by one's self. I rely on the OOTB for many "heads-up" on new books coming out, but recently, I found the cutest paranormal romance story. Great summer reading for anyone who likes their vampires stories alight with romance and humor.

I speak of The Remarkable Miss Frankenstein by Minda Webber. The title alone grabbed my eye. Although, to be honest, MY book doesn't have the cute little bat guy on it. That would have caught my eye too.

The short of the story is that Claire Frankenstein (YES, Those Frankensteins!) has an obession with obtaining a prestigious Scientist of the Decade Award. To do that, she must prove her theory - that Vampires and Werewolves DO exist. That is when the fun begins! One of her competitors for the prize is none other than Dr. Jekyll! Guess what HE is working on...*grin* AND you get to find out what truly became of the original Frankenstein's monster. Up for the challenge? Read the story and let me know what you think!!!

I was visiting a really nice blog last night that belonged to Annalee Blysse. She had a really cool story regarding the paranormal and it got me to thinking......oooh, bad I know LOL.

I ask YOU, the reader:

Have you ever, even for 2 minutes, somewhere, some time in your life, experienced a paranormal moment????????

It might be Deja Vu, ghost-like phenomenon, or knowing what someone was going to say before they said it, BUT it had to freak you out! I mean, paranormal shouldn't make you feel complacent, it should put goose bumps on your arms, raise the hairs on the back of your neck, shake you out of your comfort zone.....that type of experience.

I will share my story, but PLEASE bear with me. At this point I wish I was a bonified author so I could write the words to turn your bones to frozen jello as mine were when it happened.
Specifics are hard to remember from when I was 9 yrs old. My memory has narrowed the focus down to "the moment when IT happened", but I'll try.

There used to be an old neighborhood school that, due to children being bussed to larger schools in the city, was shut down, boarded and abandoned to the elements and teenaged vandals. It became a place where the older kids challenged the younger by daring them to enter through the broken ground level windows in the basement of the building. The glass had all been knocked out years before. It was always blackest black down there with an eerie, shiveringly cold breeze that seemed to "puff" out at you when you walked by the sill.

Eventually, as I knew it must, it was my day to be "challenged". I had walked by the black holes of the basement numerous times on my way to the swing sets. The windows were easy to ignore. You just didn't look as you went by and on a hot summer's day, the chilled air actually felt good. On that day however, the air seemed to change; still cold but nowhere near the word "refreshing". As I walked toward the rectangle of black, those "puffs" I'd mentioned seemed to pause. It could be said that the building had held its' breath; for what, I couldn't fathom.

With a group of 4 other kids around me, urging me on, I slowly walked towards the chosen window. To say I was feeling nervous was an understatement. I was so petrified, I should have been a fossil. Soon, much too soon, I was standing at the window, looking down into the complete blackness that was inside. The kids behind me were getting antsy, seemed my progress was too slow for them... like that was a surprise? Geez!

Gulping for breath, I squatted down and leaned into the sill. Yup, the cold air was there but seemed a tad colder. Sure was black. Does black have depth? It felt like it. I leaned forward, further, scanning but seeing nothing . At that point, I couldn't see the window frame around me, as I was leaning too far in. Shifting my eyes back up towards the ceiling it happened. Air, super chilled air puffed out at me and there, suspended in mid- air, surrounded by dark nothingness was one single, bloodshot emerald green eye. It was looking directly at me.

A 9 yr old girls' screech is a high pitched and grating affront on ears and it scared the crap out of the kids behind me, including the "older challengers". I pushed myself away forcefully from the window and was incapable of nothing but gibberish and gasping breaths. Of course, after the initial fright, the kids rushed to the window expecting to see something ultra-cool.

Nothing. Nothing was there for them to see. The kids all turned to look at me. What did I see? "A green eye?" I said. Their reaction; " Oh, yeah, riiight, sure you did." What a disappointment it was for them. And I have to say, maybe for me too. Why? Because after all these years, I sometimes wonder, what did I REALLY see? What could something like that have been? If someone, even one kid, had seen it for a split second, a nano-second even, what decisions or paths would I have made and/or chosen different in my life because of that event?

A year later, the wrecking crews came. Within one day, with old alumni and neighborhood families watching high upon the hill, a school that had been standing for more that 50 years was gone in a grey cloud of dust and rubble.

Such is progress and the story of my possible encounter with the paranormal.

Please reader, what do you think??? Did I qualify for a paranormal moment?????