Monday, November 06, 2006

Protect me from Retirement!

The Perils of Retirement
Our old friend, Wm. H "Bill" Fenton, recently
retired from the phone company and, to help
fill his days, now accompanies his wife on her
shopping trips to the local Walmart.
We know Bill and, therefore, can only speculate that
extreme boredom has led to his recent disruptive
behavior at the local Walmart...

Dear Mrs. Fenton,Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causingquite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviorand have considered banning the entire family from shopping in anyof our stores.We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble yourhusband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have beencompiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Worrywart President
Wal-Mart Complaint Department-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has donewhile his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15, took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people'scarts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2, set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minuteintervals.
3. July 7, made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to therest rooms.
4. July 19, walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,"Code 3 in Housewares..." and watched what happened.
5. August 4, went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's onlay away.
6. September 14, moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpetedarea.
7. September 15, Set up a tent in the camping department and told othershoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the beddingdepartment.
8. September 23, When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cryand asks, " Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4, Looked right into the security camera; used it as amirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10, While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3, Darted around the store suspiciously loudly hummingthe "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6, In the auto department, practiced his "Madonnalook" using different size funnels.
13. December 18, Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsethrough, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's thosevoices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


Mailyn said...

LOL! There used to be a list of like 50 things to do at Walmart if you are bored that had some of these. Hilarious.

Lyn Cash said...

hehehe - cute!

Shesawriter said...

ROFLMAO! These were great! :-)

Brandy said...

I love these. I've seen them before, but never applied to a retired man! LOL!